Sometimes a man’s emotional distance makes you feel like you’re forcing him to love you. Men can become emotionally disconnected due to a combination of social pressures, personal experiences, psychological factors, past trauma, or difficult childhood. Consequently, some men hide their stony heart from you until after they know they have snagged you and you are either married or emotionally attached. Men who are emotionally unavailable find it difficult to establish meaningful emotional connections. They can keep others at a distance, avoid closeness, or reject being vulnerable. Having more in-depth discussions about anything beyond the obvious might be challenging.
Determining whether someone is emotionally unavailable is frequently challenging in the beginning of a relationship when your emotions and expectations are high. Later, after the emotional “honeymoon phase where your emotions are no long heightened, it is simpler. You may feel lonely, and you might be unhappy for no apparent reason. You know he has withdrawn. Husbands should treat their wives with benevolence and love. God created women, and He knows what women need. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” He also said in 1 Corinthians 7:3, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” Benevolence means, the trait of being helpful and kind, or the act of doing good for others. Husbands are instructed to nourish and cherish their wives, and when they can’t or refuse to do that, they become detached.
A husband must genuinely want to improve his wife’s well-being by acts of compassion in order to love, nurture, and adore her. In turn, she willingly gives him the respect, cooperation, generosity, and kindness he needs. It is a husband’s job to do his part, which strengthens his end of the threefold cord of marriage. This article does not speak to the brothers; it speaks to women: my sisters in Christ.
For the married sister
As a wife practicing the Fruits of the Spirit, it is her job to try using every means within her power. The power lies in your constant prayer and in your role as a wife. A wife who prays has power with God. In addition to praying daily, a wife can also do a lot to make her part of the three-fold cord stronger. Ecclesiastes 4:12, “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Be sure to watch how and when you speak up. The phrase “a soft answer turns away wrath” from Proverbs 15:1 advises that a calm, gentle response can de-escalate anger, whereas a harsh one will likely provoke more rage. Meditating on the word of God day and night means constantly and deeply reflecting on scripture to internalize its teachings, a practice encouraged in Joshua 1:8 and Psalm 1:2, and it promises that a life centered on God’s law will be fruitful and blessed. Meditating on biblical passages changes the way we think about scripture and reframes thoughts.
Strengthen your part of that threefold cord. The work is not all on you, because your husband should also be working to strengthen his cord. Still, that is not up to you; this is something else to pray about. Give it to God. All you can do is your part, and you know your part. Wives are called to give reverence to the husband. Ephesians 5:33, “Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences her husband.” Although, you can’t fix him even as his wife. A distant husband has got to be willing to do the difficult things, like face himself and work to change himself, involve his support system, and pray. Be aware that keeping secrets about how you are being treated only leaves a lot of room for it to continue. Secrets are where Satan gets the strength to make your life a living hell. Remember the story in Numbers 5:29-31, which describes a ritual for a husband to have his wife tested by a priest if he suspects her of adultery. This ritual, known as the “ordeal of bitter water,” involved a wife standing before the Lord and drinking water mixed with dust from the tabernacle floor. If she was guilty, the “bitter water” would cause her belly to swell and her thigh to rot; if innocent, she would be free from the curse. The point is, the elders knew, and something was done about it. Ecclesiasticus 6:34 “Stand in the multitude of the elders; and cleave unto him that is wise.” Finally, keep Matthew 5:32 and 1 Corinthians. 7: 15 in your purview. Get understanding about those scriptures. As a wife of a husband with a stony heart, you have studying and praying to do.
Communicate honestly with your husband, softly and quietly, Proverbs 25:11-15 -11 “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. As the cold of snow in the time of harvest, so is a faithful messenger to them that send him: for he refresheth the soul of his masters. Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without rain. By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone.” Like a work of art, a well-spoken phrase is exquisite and priceless, beautiful and as valuable as a piece of artwork.
Make sure your needs are clear. Know exactly what you need to feel safe, connected, or appreciated before you say it. With the sweet wife’s voice, Trisha taught us to communicate our needs using “I” statements, set clear emotional boundaries, and focus on self-care and our lives. Avoid trying to “fix” him, but be patient and understanding while he works through his issues. You will find the more you pray, the more you will find yourself expressly fixing yourself. However, express your needs clearly. Explain how his emotional distance affects you without placing blame. For example, say, “ Hey lover, I feel lonely when we don’t talk about our feelings” instead of “You never talk to me.” 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.”
Be direct and honest. Clearly state what you need and avoid expecting your partner to guess. For instance, don’t hint at emotional needs by accusing your partner of physical incompatibility; address the emotional disconnect directly. Be direct about what you need emotionally, whether it’s more bonding time or a deeper connection. Don’t accuse; we know who the accuser is. Revelation 12:10 tells us, “And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, ‘Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.”
Accept responsibility for your actions, express your real regret for causing your spouse pain, and inquire about ways to make things right. Be open to your partner’s weakness. By paying close attention and affirming your partner’s emotions, you can help them express themselves in a loving and nonjudgmental environment. Avoid defensive reactions. Refrain from becoming defensive or feeling the need to provide answers right away when unstable emotions surface. Rather, start by validating your own emotions. Create a safe space for him by modeling vulnerability. You can make it safer for him to be vulnerable if you feel comfortable doing so. A wife can set an example of vulnerability by discussing personal wants, anxieties, and feelings, owning up to mistakes, and exhibiting emotional openness rather than defensiveness. She can also exercise vulnerability by carefully listening to her partner, providing a secure environment for them to communicate, and being open to their own emotional expression.
The three-fold cord mentioned in Ecclesiastes chapter four is a biblical metaphor for the strength that comes from unity and companionship, stating that three strands woven together are significantly more durable than one or two alone. If you want to keep your marriage intact and help it become functional, you have work to do, and the most important part of your work is prayer. When you think you have done all you can, pray and ask God for his help. Make the hard decision about your life without involving others. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a key verse, which states, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Lean on the word of God heavily and become a praying woman, as shown in Jeremiah 9:17-20. What did God see in these women? Be like them.
For the single sister
However, if you are dating and haven’t had a wedding, big or small, with witnesses, consider that a blessing. Your power moves are not as intense or painful as those of the married woman who is married to a stony-hearted man. Here’s the power move you need to make before getting too deep. The most decisive action you can take is to stop pushing, stop proving, and pull back. However, you do need to control the desire to be married, causing you to choose anybody who swings.
Finally, a man who wants you will never make you feel you must convince him to love you. If he does, then he’s not ready to be a husband, and you don’t want him even as a boyfriend or betrothed. Your husband’s goal,, according to Ephesians 5:21-31, is to do four things for you: love you, cherish you, nourish you, and nourish you, and as per vs. 21, compromise when appropriate. And some brothers say verse 21 is not for you, but for his brothers in Christ. I do not buy that one, do you? If he is not humble and loving enough to submit his needs to yours, at least sometimes, ask yourself an important question. Do you want to live the rest of your life doing ALL the submitting and not experiencing compromise? Will you be happy with that? Believe me, a stony-hearted man will cause that lack in your life to be traumatic!
A stony-hearted man will only cause you years of hardship and tears. He’s dealing with hurt and trauma, and he needs to take the steps to heal without you being in the way. You can’t fix him. Walk away before you find yourself in a position where you are struggling to submit to a husband who is not ready to love you as his wife and lead you with benevolence. The result will be painful enough to shake your core.
